Sunday, May 28, 2017
the holy ghost.

he served enough tours in the pacific
then he came home a psychopath
who helped some people find god
and some others to meet him in person
the kind of man to preach all the right
while letting male family members
and others
rape and beat his daughters and sons
i met his wife as an adult
and i don't even know his name

Posted at 08:43 am by coldapathy
tell me  

tablet cleaning

i'm still tryin to be like jesus,
just doin it with a hangover
like you taught me
the meek inherit the world
to be that is to
never ask
or to feel like you deserve
unless you've been drinkin
and then we all know how
we deserved all the hurt
cause i couldn't save you
july 29, 2014
33 years, what have i learned
how to wipe with my left
almost all my plants died
after she came to visit
i bought the bag of weed
the day the other she left
it lasted until my birthday
i once saw chad, a big guy turn 27
he did so with a big breakfast
i liked that idea
enforced grey areas soon start
to look like law suits or accidents

Posted at 08:43 am by coldapathy
tell me  

sixteen candles

the thing i'd been doing
was to drink in small sips

a whole bottle would
with not a buzz to be had

so now i drink in gulps

i fell asleep on the couch
with my mouth open
i blew off working
on my day off

if i thought
it would make
a difference

i'd be a pirate
the dread pirate
who says
as you wish
as a reminder

in other years
i was in canada

last year spent
taking a painting to
a woman i'd slept with

of a horse

and any more
i can't think of why

i'm doing this
to myself

other than that
to not
makes me a hypocrite
or a faker

because in order to be
genuinely effected
other people have to be

and at some point
i have to die alone

Posted at 08:04 am by coldapathy
tell me  

a love too delicate. la loose

sure, i had to
convince myself
to love and allow me
to be loved
but really
all i ever wanted
was for her to see
and be proud
for me to be hers
to see
and in the absence
of validation
i trusted myself to
who still changed
the channel
during my aria
left frozen in time
unwarmed by
all that surrounds
what we saw as
back when our eyes
could look without
looking away in shame
tell me everything
and let me process
and when i say
you're the only one
i want watching me
it's a shame
that its so true

Posted at 07:57 am by coldapathy
tell me  

the city sleeps alone.

the cities ghosts
are quiet
too much room
for thought

the bourbon

isn't doing it's job
and my fingers
are unfamiliar
across this keyboard
along this blade
reading is the key
i can't sit still
long enough
the words blur and
the urge to die
seeps into it all
i know all too well
have written
all too much
how it's the constant
that gets you there
not this
half assed thing
i have
going for me
if you can say that
and maybe it's ok
to take time
to heal properly
this once
if only that's
what it felt like
too drunk to
make it to work ontime
too stoned to
not mindlessly talk
rattling on about
things i know
there hasn't been
enough time
for being
on my knees
too much time
spent flat
on my back
in a stupor
i know
what it takes
either way
or get off the pot

Posted at 07:56 am by coldapathy
tell me  

anna begins.

a respite
or reverie

a much needed break

boozy coffee
fried potatoes

breath on the wind
hair of the dog

i cut things off when the feelings weren't there
i didn't have a three way when i could have

i've been there when needed
and never taken in return

no matter the need
no matter the sadness

i possess the mind
the body
the skills
the heart

i possess the keys

i'm too blind to see the locks
chained and bound

broken by promises i didn't make
exhausted by the ones that i did

a hand to hold my hand

a lover to hold me through the night

cooking represents a truth
the flavor of love

for one is bad
another bland

a surprising love in hopelessness
flavor and texture
though limited

the food was best with those two
i never cooked for the third


indirectly i'm always my best
when she's around

i want someone like that
whose not actually that

who wants me

Posted at 07:52 am by coldapathy
tell me  

just the facts.

what have i learned from this seclusion and transition into middle aged middle management

from loving someone enough to set them free and all that came afterwards that i haven't known how to handle

what have i found trying to live the example of jesus that i was beaten and dragged down stairs and across train tracks over

from being more of that example than most people i know while still having a deviant streak a mile wide

what have i learned from all of these lessons in forgiveness, in mourning what is still around but that chooses not to be around

from all of the lessons in how resilient we can be when we ignore the discomfort and find a way to sleep rather than commit suicide

what have i learned trying to hold on to one love while watching as that makes me unable to love another well enough

and losing them all

from all the moments when i know that i could have done something simple that saved someone heartache, if only i could have brought myself to do more than observe that i could have

what have i learned from sitting in the silence of trying not to spiral out in depression while letting myself spiral out enough to keep a complete meltdown at bey

from watching as people fuck up and are forgiven for sins far greater than i have ever been given the lenience or forgiveness to believe i could get away with

i've learned that i am quick to tell a funny story and to buy someone a drink while they tell me about what hurts
that apparently i make sex real well and inspire other people to make art with the way i speak about my heart
that if i could get out of my own head and away from the reclusive nature that the past has given me then i could likely have something else in my life besides work

i've learned that i earn the respect of people who are respected
that i am a hesitant but capable leader

i've learned to love as i wish to be loved
to forgive as i wish to be forgiven

i'm finding out that i truly walk around grateful and humble, though am likely not capable of being meek

i have become patient but obsessed with pushing to always be efficient even at the cost of being comfortable

living a pain before pleasure lifestyle has made me deadened to both

living with routine as the sole direction has brought me to an age where my muscles have shrunk and my caluses have smoothed
where my hair is turning grey at more than the temples

and i still don't actually know a damn thing except that i would prefer to be me the way that i am than to have more friends, or to be like so many have become

Posted at 07:50 am by coldapathy
tell me  

a thought minus the what if.

what if the fear i have of being wrong, is wrong
what if i was right to leave
what if our cup together was full
what if we really do have a question mark still
what if that doesn't mean anything
what if i have done things right
what if the way i do things really is the best
what if i was a great husband
what if drinking just a bit less won't kill me
what if i am doing things right
what if my heart has led me carefully
what if i don't have to be everything anymore
what if it's ok to shop around when you're ready to buy
what if i'm not following in the wrong footsteps
what if the one who is right is the one who will be right
what if the love in my heart is worth what i have asked
what if i can still carry the burden without slumping
what if my method has actually always been linear
what if this year is the one where it feels good again
what if i take it slowly enough to do it right

Posted at 07:45 am by coldapathy
tell me  

the race is on.

no, i'm not really ok

my mother has stage 4 cancer in her lungs, hip, and spine
and she has mistreated me more than she ever loved me
even if it was just because she wasn't strong enough
to be a mother rather than an individual

still i lover her as that individual
even if i don't know her enough
to buy a goddamn christmas gift

and my father has cancer so bad that he's doing that thing
people do what they know that they are not long for this
and all i know is that i don't really care
except i really do because he's the only reason i have
to keep up with any of my people up there

i'm all alone with obsessive compulsions
the people who know me best care the least
i'm a background character in my own life

the pointlessness of how i've spent the last
two decades or more

all i have at this point is proof that i was right

or maybe we really do create our own realities and this
this is the best i could come up with
within my sense of morality and loyalty and the divine

two cats
one dog
a fish

a life i can afford

and a decision i can't make

not yet, anyway

the question is which gives out first

my will to live
my ability to hang on to them
or my liver and lungs

Posted at 07:45 am by coldapathy
tell me  

end of year, or the end of something more.

all the years spent waiting

she realized that we'd waited
too long

then apologized for being

meanwhile i was enveloped in
comfort that even the sadness
couldn't intrude on for a bit

until i looked into the eyes
of another her who waited

not quite the same ways
or quite as long

the trailer park i grew in
home more so than any place

a home scenery devoid of home

my little slice of heaven

or at least the best i have
to hope to imagine

it was sunny

another opportunity wasted
being devastatingly myself

because i could have hung out

put on a smile
told a few stories

that i hadn't just shut a door
which blocked out their light

at least a potion of it

a place we could never be

Posted at 07:45 am by coldapathy
tell me  

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